I Get To See Her Everyday

 In the days leading up to Christine's birthday,  my mind constantly takes me back to the course of events that occurred six years ago.  My gut feeling wondering if something was wrong with this baby that barely gave me any kicks.  To being too wrapped up in excitement to not notice during the first 45 mins of our sonogram that she could only move her arms.  Then the news.  Then the shock.  Then the days leading up to what we knew would be her birthday.  Walking into the hospital at 6am that morning barely able to comprehend what was about to happen.  To waiting all day.  To her birth that occurred after 10pm, What was the exact time? Wow a detail I have forgotten.  To holding her.  To crying over her.  Finding joy in her.  And having to say goodbye and hand her over, never to see her on this earth again.

How did I survive that time is a thought I always have.  That heartbreak seemed so unbearable.  I am so thankful that time has healed the pain.  But even more grateful to have the four children in front of me.

All the time I used to think, oh I think of her everyday.  What that has changed into is, I get to see her everyday.  Not the place of where she would have been or what age she would be, but in each of my children.  She was not meant to be here on earth with us and with that is where I was able to find great peace.  I believe I will be reunited with her one day, but until then I get to see her everyday in the four little faces before me.