5 Years Ago

5 years ago my life changed forever.  Some days it feels like a dream.  But then I remember holding our tiny baby girl in our hands and feeling something way more powerful than I had ever felt before.  Though we were stricken with grief at Christine's death. as we cradled her, we felt her spirit around us.  We knew that her weak body was not in pain and that she was already watching over us.

I believe that more than ever as I write this post.  I am 23 weeks and a few days pregnant.  Exactly the same as the day we said goodbye to her.  It feels surreal.  I dreamed since I was a little girl that I would have 4 children.  And I felt I did, just one was in heaven.  I believed that.  I believe it helped me through the last few years of having Colin and Lauren.  And that through tragedy I could still feel complete.

I will not lie, as I gave away maternity clothes, baby clothes and everything baby, something kept tapping me on the shoulder.  Something was telling me this was not it.  But I ignored those taps.  Because we had decided we were done.  We were incredibly blessed and happy with our children and felt fortunate we had one watching over us.   I was excited about moving on to the next phase of life.

To find out I was pregnant again was a roller coaster of emotions.  I was scared to death, I was in disbelief, I was so confused.  Why was this happening.  Why was I so lucky when others are not.  I still don't have the answer.  But what I can tell you is I have never felt so at peace.  To think I will have 4 babies here to hold and love is unbelievable.  Surreal.

I think throughout my life I will continue to learn why Christine was brought into our lives.  For now, what I know for sure is I don't take one moment for granted.  Life can change in an instant and nothing is more important than loving my family openly with all of my heart.  For that I will be forever grateful.