December 30, 2010, our lives changed forever. I was 22 weeks pregnant and so excited to go in for my big sonogram that had been postponed two times! Most people are excited to find out what gender the baby is, but we were going to keep that a surprise again for the birth day. But our day turned out to be the most devastating day either of us had ever experienced. We learned that our baby girl had zero percent chance of surviving. She had full trisomy 13. She had already fallen weeks behind and it looked like she was going to leave us at any moment. Trisomy 13 is very rare and effects somewhere between 1 and 10,000-16,000 babies. There are a small percentage of babies that can live for a few moments or hours or even a few years. These babies typically have partial trisomy 13, where it only effects part of their cells. We had the heartbreaking news, that it was effecting every single cell, preventing her from developing correctly. Her brain, her heart, her major organs and even her bones. Our little girl's path was already planned out and we would sadly never get to live with her here on earth.
After the initial shock had somewhat settled in, the first clear thought came to us. We wanted to meet our little girl alive for just a moment if we could. I was induced at 23 weeks and Christine Townsend O'Neill was born on January 10, 2011 at 10:51pm. Nothing can prepare you for this day, however, we were so thankful we had time to think about what we wanted to do that day. Christine was born 14 oz and 9 inches long. Her weight was definitely tiny but she felt much bigger than that sounds. She was curled up in the palm of our hands and had a little smile on her face. Though we didn't get to have a moment with her alive, we knew then that we were so grateful that she did not have to suffer. We had her baptized in the hospital. He even sang "Jesus Loves Me" to her as we cried tears of goodbye. Tim and I had written a prayer/letter to her that we read and also had the clergyman read. We cut a piece of Whitney's hospital blanket and wrote a message to Christine and had her wrapped up in it. We spent about 2 hours with our baby girl. We were able to hold her, kiss her, tell her how much we loved her and would miss her so much. It was so painful to watch her being taken away but we knew the timing was right. Though this day was so painfully sad for us, it was also very beautiful. There was a peacefulness in the room that is hard to even explain. We have two little girls, just one is watching over us and we do believe we will be with her again one day.
Moving forward after losing a baby is such uncharted territory and something that isn't always talked about. Those that are close to us know we talk of Christine often. We talk about how hard it is to live everyday without her. Over the last almost 8 months I have reached out in many ways. Reached out by searching for someone who could relate. Looking to find that one day I will be happy again. Both of these hard to find and much more complicated than just that.
I started going to support groups of other Moms that had lost babies. Though it was comforting to be around others that have felt a similar pain, you are also hearing all of these horribly sad stories about how other babies have died. But along the way I have met a few women that I have connected with. We can send long emails rambling on about how hard our day has been. Or get together for dinner and though we might not talk about our babies the whole time, we know that we understand. There is also another group I have attended for Subsequent Pregnancy After Loss. Though I was not pregnant, I needed to be surrounded by positive stories and hear how other women were making it through a long 40 weeks. And they were making it!
I also have been going to counseling which has been so helpful. Though Tim, my family and friends have been right there for me. It is nice to go and tell someone all the crazy thoughts you are having and they help you sort through it all. Therapy can give you so much power and strength.
Something else I came across about a month after Christine died, was a very uplifting blog. It is a blog written by a Mom in Austrailia that had lost her second baby. About a year and a half after her son had died, she had a dream. She saw her son and other babies writing their names in the sand on a beautiful beach. Over the last few years she has written over 10,000 names in the sand for those who have lost babies all over the world. Her pictures are stunning and she goes to the beach every night. She talks about how this is her time with her son. We had Christine's name written in the sand and have it up in our house amongst other family photos.
http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/
Another benefit of attending the support groups is they give you ideas of how to honor your baby. Christine's due date, May 7th, was approaching and I was filled with a lot of anxiety. In many ways, I had felt trapped within the pregnancy. Realizing at different times how far a long I would have been or that I "should" have been having a baby soon. So, what were we going to do on that day? How hard was it going to be? It turned out to be a beautiful day that started off with a trip to the farmer's market,then after lunch out we took time for Christine. We wrote messages on balloons and sent them into the sky. We watched as they flew away knowing that she was in a better place. Whitney's tears as the balloons disappeared, brought a nice innocence to the moment. (Don't worry we had one saved for her!)
When we lost Christine, we were flooded with notes from so many family and friends. It meant so much to us that so many people were thinking and praying for us. What has been so valuable to me over the last few months is I will get the occasional email, text or phone call that simply says, "How are you doing?". I can't tell you how much it means to me and how much it has helped in my healing process. The biggest fear you have when you go through this type of loss, is that everyone will forget. That because no one else got to meet your child, that they will be forgotten. What those message mean to me is I am thinking of you and I will always remember Christine. For that, I am so grateful.
I can't leave this post without mentioning the two other pregnancies we have lost early on. We did not get to meet them but they too, will forever be with us.
This journey will never be over. I have learned that time does heal your pain. Though, I will always have an aching heart for my sweet baby Christine. She has truly blessed our lives and touched our hearts forever.
